When ‘joy in the mist of’ feels impossible: Anchor of my soul, you sustain. HALFWAY!

Another mildly rocky week for the books, but we’re officially at the halfway mark, so that feels like a big weight lifted! Josh started feeling the fatigue even more along with just feeling unsettled and out of sorts at times. He’s been sleeping a lot more. The doctor told him it’s important to stay active even when he feels like staying in bed, so he’s been getting out for walks almost every day, one day he even walked/jogged 5 miles around a golf course, his happy place.  We also had to take the plunge and shave the dome, too much hair everywhere. Josh let the kids help and they had a blast, so that made it less cloudy feeling. He’s as handsome as ever. 😍💙

I got angry this week. Like storm out of the hospital, complete with angry tears angry. We got to Josh’s radiation appointment Wednesday and were stopped at the hospital entrance by security, who informed us that “visitors” (ie: ME, not a visitor, but incredibly needed wife/support person 😂😂) would no longer be allowed in due to Covid-19. I proceeded to take a seat in the entrance to wait after Josh went off without me (like a boss) for his radiation. I was then approached by the same officer who informed me I was not allowed to wait there. So, I did what any normal person does and stormed off crying, and proceeded to cry in the car while having some **words** with the poor patient relations employee (oops, I was heated, and I might have a feisty Lebanese gene that comes out every once in a blue moon 😂😬🤷🏼‍♀️ Just don’t ask Josh about it, he may or may not tell you it comes out more often than that 😅). In hindsight, though hard for all those going through any sort of health crisis right now, I know the visitor restriction is necessary and my over-tired, emotional-self overreacted. There are so many people affected and dealing with much worse during this weird and unsettling time. And, I’m also a nurse, I know the rules. I know once a hospital creates a policy they don’t fudge. But this time it’s personal. This is my dear sweet hubby, who needs me, and it feels like we were being torn apart. But does he really need me, is the question. He reminded me (as he goes in alone, so really if anyone should be crying it should be him), that he is never alone. So thank you Jesus for being with my hubby and sustaining him. Thank you for going before him and going with him, for being his ever present help in time of need. Josh and I often talk about this season of our life where we feel like we are being stripped and refined. We talk about a picture of holding everything in life, everything we love, with open hands, so when things get taken away, the relinquishing is not quite so hard. I feel like in that moment I was being asked to release Josh and trust the Lord with him. My mind goes 100 different places when he’s alone in a hospital (What if he passes out? Or panics? Or someone is hounding him with questions and he gets flustered and I’m not there to step in? Why Corona now, WHY?!) But Jesus says, take heart, I will supply all of Josh’s needs while he is alone. So as hard as it is, we will surrender this too. Anchor of my soul, you will sustain us, over and over again.

Anchor Of My Soul (feel free to have a listen to one of Josh’s favorite jams 😊)

So that was week three. Between increased fatigue, rowdy little loves, cold and rainy days, separation, coronavirus quarantine…..we felt a little beaten down. But God is still good, friends. What an opportunity to lean into Jesus for grace and help to walk through this well. Josh has truly amazed me so far, from the outside looking in one would probably say he’s handling it a lot better than I am. Even through his fatigue and managing his ever growing list of meds and loving on our babies, he is always pointing our eyes up and focusing on the truth. And the kids, as rowdy as they may be sometimes, are truly being champs. At one point this week I told them I was sorry that it’s been a rough couple of weeks for them with everything going on with dad, Bruno’s reply was “Mom we don’t mind a bit if we know it’s helping dads brain tumor.” They all have such soft spots in their hearts for their daddy, they love him so much and it’s been really sweet to see them cheering for him and so flexible because they know it’s helping him, we are so grateful for this!

2 Corinthians 4:7-12 hit home this week:

“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.” He is with us, always!

Even though we’re socially distanced for now, thank you to all who continue to love and support us. We’ve never felt more grateful!