The Miracle
We were sitting on the couch one night recently, revisiting the last couple months. The ups and downs, the emotions that can often swing on the daily like a pendulum, the oddness that corona hit at the same time, the way it felt pre-treatment that our world was going to stop for awhile, but instead the whole world stopped with us. We were remembering the day we were sitting with our oncology doc talking about all the details of what radiation would look like, leaving with fainted hearts of disbelief. I think that day I said something to the doctor like “Josh will not be able to get through anything like this without a significant amount of sedation.” Oh the doubt that filled our hearts that day.
“[But God!] being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” Ephesians 2:4-7
When we first met Josh’s radiation doctor at the beginning of this year, Josh was laying on the floor, riddled with anxiety about what was to come, while I snapped at the poor resident doctor to zip it for continuing to ramble on despite Josh’s poor state. In the last two weeks, Josh has marched inside every day [again, utterly alone] to get screened for corona (often by unpleasant employees all suited up in medical PPE from head to toe), walks down into “the bowels of the hospital”, as he so fondly refers to it as, because folks, this is no window seat up on the 5th floor or anything. We’re talking dingy basement in one of the oldest parts of the hospital, gets blood drawn, has his doctor’s appointment, sits through his radiation treatment, and has remained upright the entire time. Josh says tonight, “we’ve been praying for a miracle, THIS IS THE MIRACLE!” Whether Josh is healed in this life or the next, the heart-miracle has already been done, he’s doing the hard work in our hearts of casting out doubts and fears and helping us draw our utter dependence and joy from him. Rob and Laura are Josh’s favorite and most consistent radiation therapists, mid-week he was having a conversation with them and told them that every day he gets through radiation he counts it as a massive victory. Every day he’s laying on the table, every part of him wanting to succumb to the anxiety and claustrophobia that fills his heart, God is in there, and Josh has felt his presence and in such a new and raw way, and he is literally relying on the steady hand of the father to get him through each and every treatment. As Josh keeps saying, “One day at a time, mercy for today.”
If there’s one thing we’ve learned through all of this, it’s that God is truly, always with us. His love is infinite and doesn’t change or waver when our hearts fail. It doesn’t stop at the entrance of the hospital when our fears bubble to surface, it goes before us, carrying us through each treatment (and I say ‘us’, because after we sit in the entrance, Josh grabs my hand and prays for us and then goes off on his merry way, I sit outside at a little park while the kids climb trees, holding my breath and praying I don’t get a call that he’s on the floor). It doesn’t hold back when our emotions swing from the highest highs to the lowest lows, often in a matter of minutes. It doesn’t return void when we feel angry or anxious. His love is ever present, unshakable, and unwavering. This, is the miracle.
As far as how Josh is doing physically, this is another wonderful surprise. Aside from the initial surge of fatigue, it hasn’t really gotten worse, as we anticipated it would. We’ve gotten into a pretty consistent routine of slow mornings with the kids, then Josh gets out for long walks most days— its been really good for his mental health and heart to have some quiet time and space to himself (I mean lets be honest, it’d be good for anyone’s mental health when you have kids, let alone 5 very noisy high energy but oh so loved ones 😜😂🤯). We reconvene for lunch and naps before heading out for treatment. We had a rough-ish week of communicating (or lack thereof ) and me feeling exhausted and wanting my poor hubby to pitch in more, but once we were able to pinpoint that he’s been feeling more absent minded the deeper into treatment he gets, we worked through that. The kids are so sweet, they ask questions about his hair loss and then tell him he looks really good without any 💙. It really warms my heart how much they love their daddy. God is so faithful and continues to give us just what we need to get through each day.
Your prayers are felt and appreciated more than you know, we are so grateful for them! Thank you for keeping us lifted up and bathed in them.
We have one week left, which feels unreal, but it's also really exciting, we’re committed to remaining joyful and content with what God has for the now, but also feeling ready to put this behind us! ☺️
